Have any of you ladies, even though you are married to a wonderful man.  Your heartaches for a love from your past.  Or still have feelings for that person. 

Yes and yes   My first big love went on a month long retreat to decide if he was going to be a priest or marry me.  Needless to say, I did not mind coming in second.  But the feelings never went away and it still hurts today.  He dropped dead of a heart attack in 1999 at 45 and it took 2 days before he was found.  My second love was my exhusband, who is an alcoholic and has anger management problems.  Divorced him for trying to kill me.  I am a 17 year domestic violence survivor.  I love the man I married and mourn the loss of that person everyday.  I do have an odd relationship with him, communicate via email not in person.  I am now married to a wonderful man (19 years my senior) was also has baggage.  So he understands when I get quite and stay to myself sometimes.  But, my #3 is wonderful and I pray to be with him a long time before God calls him home.

Yes I have dealt with that too Zaid. BUT, he ended up getting killed by a drunk driver and now I just have memories!!!!! I LOVE the man I am with now, we have so much in common and he is truly the love of my life! I knew he was the moment I met him!!!!! 

Tell us your story we would love to try and help!            

He was my highschool sweetheart.  We met at the age of 11, started our puppylove at this age but didn't get serious until the second semester of 9th grade.  We were together for almost 5 years and were planning to get marry.  He was my first everything if you know what I mean . But all of a sudden his behavior change, later I found out that his sister's boyfriend was filling is head with ideas.  He wanted me to get married with him, stay with his parents while he worked out of Puerto Rico the work place was New York.  I told him that my parents lived in NY and I could stay with them and we could get together on weekends.  That it wasn't right if we were newlyweds to be apart.  Well to make a long story short, we split a couple of months before the wedding.  They didn't go to NY because his sister and her boyfriend got married and he told my ex that he couldn't leave his newlywed wife by herself.  After this he started drinking got involved with a woman 8 years his senior and had a pretty rough life.  Right now he's clean.  For the past 2 years we have seen each other again and have a friendship.  My daughter told me that she could tell that we loved each other very much because we still look at each other with alot of tenderness.  We both married and have 2 kids.  Our kids are friends and our current spouses know that we talk to each other.  I know that everything happens for a reason but can not help but wonder what would of happen if we stayed together.  I never stop loving him.

Zaid you sound like you really loved this person from your past....however think of all the things in your life you wouldn't have if you stayed together...for example you wouldn't have your daughter....just a thought!

BTW listen to WWIT she adds some very good points.....

Hi zaid!

My heart aches for you, but you know I think it might be best if you don't see him at all because what will happen is that those emotions will grow stronger.

You know how back home they say "Ojos que no ven, corazon q no siente"

I don't know what the English version is, but it means something like -what the eyes won't see the heart won't feel- it sounds weird, but I don't know if it makes sense.

Sometimes yor mind can get you confused and you think is your heart.

WHen I first got married I had a lot of problems with my hubby because we were so young and at one time I decided I wanted to end the marriage and we got separated. I told myself over and over that I didn't love him and I decide not to see him again for months and you know what I honestly thought I didn't love him. But the REAL problem was that I always was going to wonder how my life would be if I wsa single because I was raised in a strict home and wanted out and decided to get married so I never was able to go out on my own and meet other people. Anyway, my point is that sometimes our minds confuse our heart just because of what we want or think we want.

I am so glad I went back to my hubby and decided to continue with our marriage. And went I got back together with him I decided that I was going to stop wondering what would've happened, but instead being grateful for what I have and forgetting the past and to put ALL my energy on making my marriage great..

I don't know if this make any sense and I know my situation is not the same, but I'll be praying for you so that God will give you guidance..

 

Well, Zaid to answer you first question....YES!  My story is long and drawn out, but I'll try to keep it short.  For starters I want to say that I am currently married to an absolutely wonderful man--"E"-- and would not change our lives if I could--we have been together for nearly 7 years and have a little boy that will soon be 6.  My DH is the most sane person I've ever met in my life (I have no idea what a sane person is doing with someone like me, but I guess he enjoys the mystery).

Now, that said here's the beginning of the story.......

I was introduced to my first love at age 13.  "J" was 15.   I did not realize any attraction for a couple of years--we were only friends--the Best of friends.  We began dating when I was 15 and a sophomore in high school. The relationship calmed a wild streak in me.  We dated rather happily throughout highschool--there were some signs of things to come, but as a young woman I was blind to it all--he had such potential in life that I just knew that together we could do anything!  We married when I was only 19--I was pregnant with our oldest child.  The marriage was rocky--I moved in and out several times before the baby was born, but really wanted to make it work.  I became pregnant again just 4 months after the first was born.  By this point life was getting very tough--my oldest was a very sick child often having to have round the clock care and "J" was not much help.  I depended on my mother quite a bit for relief.  Baby #2 comes into the world early and also requires much attention.  I was tired!!!  By the time baby #2 was just a few months old, "J" had begun falling pretty fast--he wouldn't work, I suspected drug use, we fought constantly, and he had become not only verbally abusive, but physically as well.  I cried so much, but one of us had to hold it together so I kept it to myself and tried to be strong.  Due to our financial instability, I had to get a job--best thing I could have done!  I began realizing that I had lost a part of me during all of this--I'm not the type person to stand still and let the world pass me by!  So, when baby #2 was just 18 months old I decided to make a go of it on my own--it was hard, but I made it.  I often worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time and once again was dependant on mom for help--luckily she is an adoring grandmother and didn't mind too much.  "J" begged and pleaded for us to reconcile--all the while he was fading into someone I didn't know.  He had begun using drugs and was more unstable than ever.  Dating was nearly impossible for me because "J" was always lurking around somewhere, waiting for the perfectly inoppurtune time to ruin it.  I did manage to have one relationship for about 8 months, but dealing with the ex constantly finally put up the red light for him.  During all of this, "J" had put thoughts into my head that if I had not left, he would not be in the shape he was in.  "J' eventually found a woman that was worse off than he, so what did he do..........He married her!  By this time my current DH and I were dating and had just found out we were expecting.  "J" continued to call and come around professing his love for me--it was a very emotionally draining time for me.  He even stated that he wanted to raise baby #3 as his own, and I considered it--what a dope I was!  Baby #3 came and through my DH's love for me and his child, I knew that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with!  "E" became the man that my children all know as "Daddy".  It was several years before "E" and I finally tied the knot.  As the wedding date got closer "J" began calling more (still married to the other woman and worse than I had ever seen him)--2 weeks before the big day he asked me not to get married--my heart ached for him because I knew he was unhappy with the decisions he had made in his life, but my life and the lives of my children depended on my moving on.  Our lives had taken separate paths and those paths would not be merging again.  "E" and I were married 2 1/2 years ago--one of the happiest days of my life!  "J" passed away just 2 weeks after that day--a heart attack at age 29.  And here I am 2 1/2 years later undergoing therapy do help resolve a depression that I've fallen into over the decisions I made--was it the right decision.......ABSOLUTELY!!!  But my mind won't let me stop thinking what might have happened if I hadn't thrown the towel in. 

His wife passed away only a year later--age 30--liver damage.

So, yes, although my story is somewhat different than yours, I know what it's like to long for the person you first fell in love with.  "J" and I were not always unhappy.......we were at one time very much in love.  On one hand I'm very torn--wondering "what if.....", but on the other hand I'm very thankful that my heart was so broken that I couldn't forgive........I have my life today because of it.

Thanks for letting me ramble, sometimes it's just good to get these feelings and thoughts out somewhere besides in the psych's office.

Chaos,
I believe that I have forgiven him for the hurt his actions caused me and in some ways (this may sound really twisted, but my mind justifies his death this way) believe that he knew in his heart that he was not good for me or the children and quite possibly (here's the twisted part) death was his gift to us...........I look back now and see that through those last two weeks of his life there was a calm between us.  He visited our home the day before he passed (VERY unusual) and I believe that he was trying to make ammends because that day he acknowledged my husband and I as good parents and partners.  He showed a respect for us as a couple that he never had before.

I don't think I've forgiven him just yet for being so weak.......he could have been a great father, but instead made choices that will only leave my children wondering why they were not his #1 priority.  As a mother I want to protect my children from any feelings of inadequacy, but I also want them to know the truth.  There is alot of anger with him for that, but I know that what's done is done and cannot be changed, only learned from.  Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me.