I'm just wondering if there are any stepmoms on this board?  I know fightingfatigue is (hey girl!).

I'm mostly just curious, but since I'm trying to build a career on stepfamilies, I like to find out about these kinds of things.

Also, if there are any divorced moms on this board, and you want any support or advice on dealing with an ex-husband's new girlfriend/wife, let me know.  As long as we can agree to mutual respect of each other's position on the subject, I'm more than happy to explain where the stepmom may be coming from in terms of your dealing with her.  I tend to think that we often get so caught up in our own perspective of where the other woman is coming from or what her motives are, that we forget it's often as simple as two women simply trying to run their own homes effectively.  And of course, kids and men often turn a lot of things into a very messy game of telephone, where words and intentions get taken for something they are definitely not.

I know that my personal experience is that I wish I could just explain to my husband's ex-wife that I will never try to replace her as mom, and I will always prefer to work with her rather than against her.  But I wish she would just understand that I do love her children as well, I do want the best for them, and I do have a certain degree of parental responsibility for them when they are in my home.  Although I defer to their father most of the time (and thank goodness he's not a disney dad), I deserve a certain expectation of authority in my own home.  If we can all work together towards raising great kids into great adults, we will all benefit.  But if we all run around competing with each other and paying too much attention to what the other is doing, the kids suffer.  In our case, she has finally started seeing me as a bit of an asset.  An extra person to be at one little league game while she is at another, someone she can trust to make sure my stepdaughter's hair is properly groomed, someone to cook something other than frozen dinners, etc.  It's going well, and I really hope it continues.

FF,

Actually, your experience is extremely common.  And you are exactly right about loving children differently.  One thing I really emphasize with stepmoms is that we don't have the unconditional love for our stepchildren that their biological parents naturally do.  Once you have kids, you understand that kind of love.

Thankfully, there is much more support available for childless stepmoms and blending families in general, yay internet, so that more people can learn to deal with what you went through.  Because of online forums, many women can now get through situations like you dealt with and come out on the other side with great relationships with their stepchildren.

I am not a step parent, but I do have a child from a previous marriage.  My ex and I are both remarried, so that DD has a step mom and a step dad.  We divorced when she was only 6 months old and got into relationships with our current spouses around the same time.  DD was 15 months at that point. 

Although we've been divorced for almost 7 years now, my relationship with ex and stepmom are awful.  The divorce itself was amicable, but as soon as my DD's stepmom came into the picture, things have spiraled downhill very quickly.  Initially I really liked her a lot and thought she was good to my daughter which I appreciated.  I even helped ex pick out her xmas gift the first year.  I think in the beginning, there was some insecurity about our (ex and me) lack of conflict, so that caused problems which we've never recovered from.  These past few years have been a living nightmare when it comes to my ex and the neverending court battles.  It truly makes me sad because I tried so hard to have an amicable split to avoid pain for DD.  It's really a shame.  I want so badly to have a working relationship with them, but it seems absolutely impossible at this point.  We've even been court ordered counseling, which didn't do a darn bit of good.   

This is in no way intended as disrespect for the step mothers on this thread.  I completely realize and respect the significant role a stepparent play's in a child's life.  I believe my DD's stepmom is just especially vindictive, manipulative, and controlling. 

Thanks for sharing guys!  It's really nice to hear other people's stories.  I belong to a board for childless stepmoms, and the common theme there is bio-moms who make life difficult.  But, part of the learning process is often seeing how our husband contributes to the mess, himself.  We come into the relationship often thinking poor him, that mean woman.  But...time always tells that it takes two to get a divorce, you know?

Former MK Director:  It really sucks that you are dealing with someone who obviously cannot handle her jealousy for your ex-husband's past.  I wish people would be better at taking an internal look rather than blaming outside forces.  She's blaming you for her own insecurities, which is pretty much the reverse of what I see on my board a lot of the time.

Snoopy, I deal with the same thing, where my stepkids call their stepfather Dad.  It really bothers us, but we know they have been instructed to do so by their mother and her warped sense of what a blended family means, they even have a cutsie made up last name to incorporate both last names in the house.  She doesn't try to use that legally or in public, though, thank God.  We just have to remember to not punish the kids for it, because it's really not their fault, and there is so much that they wouldn't even understand about it.

Shay, You've got an interesting dynamic!  I'm really glad it works for you!  I call my business Free To Be Family, and it sounds like you really exemplify that.  Families are made up of people who love each other, DNA be damned!

My step daughter is now 28, she was 10 when we got married, 9 when we started dating.  (I'm 12 yrs older than her - my hubby is 7 older than me) Not an easy age to get involved & I caught her taking stuff without asking (jewelry & makeup).  Guess that didn't help any.  The situation with her mom & my husband was awful - she was into drugs.  Her bio mom ODed about 9 - 10 years ago.  My SD always called me by my name - we were never really close.  We get along fine now, but we rarely ever see each other - she has 2 girls now, 7 & 5, she has them call me Grandma T__ - not at my suggestion.